Wrestling with God

(This is a long one, folks, grab a cup of tea, coffee, beer, wine or whatever your reading beverage of choice is, before you begin … I'll wait for you to get back …)

I have this friend whom I've known longer than any friend I'm currently in contact with. I first remember her from first grade, but we lived on the same block (different streets) so I wonder if we somehow met in the neighborhood before that and were just too young to remember … anyway, I'm telling you this as part of the introduction to this post because she is the cause for the topic here. Our families each moved away from that neighborhood at different times in elementary school and we tried to keep in touch (back in the day when snail mail was the only option) and did, off and on, through our high school years. We saw each other right after we both graduated and then lost track. A little over a year ago, I think, we found each other on Facebook and it was a joyous reunion.

My friend always posts the most amazing quotes in her status. She must read continuously and I'm not sure how she does it while raising 5 great kids! She is a true inspiration to me. She recently posted a quote that sparked quite a debate on her wall and it really got me to thinking and I wanted to share a bit of the thread and get your thoughts.

The quote is from Miguel de Unamuno, someone I'd never heard of before but after this I'm definitely going to read the book the quote is from.

"Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not in God Himself." ~Miguel de Unamuno, Tragic Sense of Life, 213

In reply to this quote, my friend received a wide gamut of responses, ranging from the angry to the encouraging. I'll walk you through a select few (copied straight from her wall, with names x'd out, just as they were written):

Some that agreed with the quote:

• Great quote. It resonates with me deeply. This quote has little to do with a lack of faith, far from it. "I believe, help me with my unbelief."I personally believe that faith is directly inverse to your deepest doubt. That it is through doubt that are faith is fleshed out.
  

Some that expanded on others:

• I would go further: believers who imagine their beliefs about God are somehow closer to Truth than those of others need to realize that ANY concept of God is just that, a concept, infinitely smaller than the True Truth God. None of us has the complete picture; that thought should keep us humble...
  

Some that took the opportunity to voice their own opinion of God:

• If there is a "God," and it's purely and solely male, I want no part of that, thank you very much. If I was supposed to be made in "God's" image, then God is a fiesty, questioning, doubting, anguishing, feminist, mulit-layered being who savors variety and adores mysticism...not just a Christian who takes some old book, written centuries ago, literally. Although, that could certainly be part of it.
  

Some that were a bit harsh:

• ridiculous! believeing in God is about FAITH. the bible tells us..."blessed is he who believes yet does not see." why do you keep doing this, xxxx? when is enough going to enough for you? you pretend to understand someone whom you don't even believe exists.
  

Some that tried to explain and perhaps ease the tension:

• The point of the posts is to get us to think and to learn from each other. If you disagree with the quoted person's thoughts on this subject, she wants to hear why you disagree. She may or may not end up agreeing with your position, but she wants to hear it.
  

Some that questioned other responses:

• Aren't Christians supposed to reflect Christ in their words and actions??? Being judgmental, whether through words of ridicule or by an attitude of intolerance - especially to those seeking answers or guidance, fail to reflect the Christ I know, trust, and love. Peace and love to all.
  

Some that were defended a Christian view of the quote:

• As a born again christian, i understand the "strongly indoctrinated" views being expressed here by some. i grew up in church, and had my parents beliefs pushed on me by them and their organization from childhood. but none of that aided in my quest to find god and build up a personal and real friendship with him. it was my questioning and searching and finding out for myself through prayer and reading the bible and asking questions. i doubted for a while, and it bothered me. but even since i have found myself, and my beliefs have grown and matured, i still sometimes catch myself questioning things. certain things that i have come to believe and trust in can provoke questions and unneasiness, but that doesn't mean than im not a christian or that im trying to discredit the bible. it just means that i am human, and that i make mistakes and before i can fully understand what it is that i believe, there are going to be human thought and emotions to climb over. im done. also, i just have to put this out there because it irritates me when "christians" are so condemning and judgemental, that they don't even see the mistakes that they are making themselves.
  

In total, there were over 30 responses to the post. Now, I'm not one who likes confrontation. I enjoy sharing my beliefs and hearing those of others, but as soon as anyone takes on the tone of a debate in which one of us has to be right and one has to be wrong, I clam up (on any topic, not just about beliefs). But on this occasion, I felt lead to respond and so I did …

• I rarely (if ever) chime in on xxxx's inspiring and thought provoking posts but I'm going to step out of my comfort zone and put in my 2 cents worth. I watch xxxx's posts and read them all with enthusiasm. The questions raised and comments made are wonderful! I'm blessed to be a witness to xxxx's journey and am inspired that she has the courage to seek out what she wants to discover. I believe that all humans seek God, our Creator. If not, this whole idea of religious beliefs wouldn't have lasted since the dawn of time. Every civilization has sought some way to wrap their human heads around the awesomeness of the creation of the universe around us. God did create humans in his image and because of that I believe there is an innate desire in each of us to find him. Even those who have never heard of or turn away from Christianity continue to seek some sort of spiritual fulfillment. Those of us who are Christians also continue to seek him each and every day. Just because one claims to be a Christian doesn't mean that seeking is over. Belief is not a stagnant thing; grounded, yes, stagnant, no. But being created "in his image" doesn't mean that the personalities and traits we posses as God's created are God's personalities and traits. That is creating God in our image. God created humans to carry forward his purpose for his creation, not as mindless robots doing things according to a good behavior/bad behavior check list, but as thinking, reasoning creatures with freewill who can choose to love (or not) our creator because he created us, a creator that is beyond our imagination and understanding. I truly believe that God wants us to continuously seek and question and wrestle with him. Keep wrestling, xxxx!
  

Like my friend, I'm left to wonder "why some feel threatened by this path," which made me think of a quote from another friend and mentor (you know who you are) "God comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable."

The whole thing is very timely for me in light of the discussions going on in my Leading Missional Congregations class that I mentioned in my previous post. How is the Church* supposed to reach those who are unchurched* or dechurched* if we can't respect the various paths that people are currently on? I stopped going to church in my early adult years partly for this very reason. Instead of trying to help others find answers to questions, we lead them to believe that wrestling with our belief is dangerous and a threat. Why should we expect them to listen to us if we won't listen to them? If we are strong in our faith, why would feel threatened to hear about what others believe? So perhaps this is the beginning of me figuring out how I'm to lead a parish some day in a time when going to church is becoming something we do rather than living our lives as the Church*.

[*A few definitions: I use Church with a capital "C" to mean the body of Christ made up of all believers; little "c" church is a specific place, denomination, or building; unchurched are those who've never been to church (except perhaps for the occasional wedding and funeral); dechurched are those who either grew up in a church or spent time attending a church and for one reason or another stopped going.]

What do you think about all of this? What do you think of the quote, what do you think of the idea of continuously "wrestling" with one's faith? Why do you think some people jump on the defensive when it comes to talking about their faith?

Three Weeks in …

Well, it's three weeks into the winter term and this is my first blog post; so much for staying on top of things …

I had a very nice, and all too short, Christmas break. I got to spend precious time with my family and some very dear friends. I flew back to school the night before classes started and I've been at a dead run ever since. I guess I should have clued in when I had to buy 13 books for 4 classes!

I've been in a very reflective mood since I've been back (for those few moments when I've had the freedom to let my thoughts go where they may). I've been thinking about how I see myself and the various roles that I have in my life. I'm learning a new role but all of my other roles are a part of this new one, too. I was sitting with my advisor going over my annual review (I know I've only been here 4 months, but we do these "annual" reviews every January) and I had written something about how I might possibly be able to using my "skills as a trainer" and in another section of the review I discussed my newly discovered passion for catechism and he said, (I think I've mentioned his sarcasm before) "do you think those two things might go together?" And to be honest, I hadn't really put them together until then … another one of my "I'm a little slow on the uptake" moments.

When we got back for this term, we were all anxiously awaiting our marks (Canadian for "grades") from last term; they weren't posted until the end of the first week. I've been a little perplexed with the grading scale and it took some getting used to. It goes like this: anything below 70 is failing; 70-79 is a B, 80-84 an A-, 85-90 an A, and 90-100 an A+. A's of any flavor are tough and no one I've talked to has gotten over an 87 on anything. The average among my "gang" is 78-79 I think. I'm happy with my marks and I did manage (barely) to make my personal goal of marks high enough to qualify for the honors program. I know that some of you reading this have told me that grades don't really matter and I believe you. So I've done some serious soul searching as to why this grade thing is so important to me – is it pride, do I feel like I have something to prove, what? Here's what I've come up with: I simply want to use my God-given skills and talents the best I possibly can in my new role, currently as a seminarian and later as a priest. After all, he entrusted these skills and talents to me and I need to be a good steward of them.

In one of my classes this term, we've been talking about the decline of the church and what are all of the many possible causes and what, as priests going into this shaky future, can we do? There is much unknown ahead of us. But, I will press forward with the understanding that I can draw on the experience all of the roles I've had in my life, past and present, and use all of my skills and talents to do the little part God has given me to do in furthering his mission amidst his creation.

God's Peace,

Nancy

I think I forgot how to relax …

So here I sit, in a comfy recliner with my feet up, a full tummy from a supper I cooked, watching TV, with pie and wine waiting for whenever I want it … and I'm fighting the urge to "do something." These last three and a half months have gone as such a fast pace with no time to just do whatever that I'm not sure I know how to do "whatever" anymore. I haven't yet decided if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

My first semester of seminary is over. Before I left I had these grand visions of writing in my blog at least weekly to keep everyone posted on all of the spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical challenges that I would be facing. Well, we can all see how successful that was! HA! Since I didn't quite manage a weekly reflection, let me do a reflection on the whole semester …

I can say that I think I've experienced every emotion imaginable: excitement, frustration, joy, sadness, confidence, humility, hope, and peace. I LOVE it! I learned so much … but right now, I can't think of a specific thing to write about just what. Mostly, I think, I've learned I have so much to learn (surely you saw that one coming). I've learned about the early Church and the struggles they went through to interpret the events that shaped their faith, the faith that still endures 2000 years later, my faith. I'm learning to listen to this 2000 year old conversation we call theology and understand that it can never stop. I've learned that chicken and rice must be the easiest thing to cook for large groups every night. I've learned I can listen to a professor even when his way of looking at scripture makes me uncomfortable and learn tons because of it. I'm learning ways to look at the more horrific parts of the Bible. I've learned to play God Save the Queen at the pub. I've learned that looking at Scripture academically and spiritually aren't mutually exclusive. I've learned that when I start each study session with the prayer "God, you brought me here and I need you to help me get through it" that it makes all the difference in the world. I've learned I can find a family in a varied and diverse group of people that were strangers to me four months ago. I've learned that coming home is a mixed blessing because even though I'm so thankful and excited to be with my family in Texas, I miss my friends at Wycliffe.

As always, I thank those of you who support me in your prayers and encouragement. I don't think I'll ever be able to communicate how much it means to me.

God's Peace,

Nancy

More on the Meltdown

Before I came to seminary I had several “priestly” friends tell me that the first year of seminary tears apart much of what you think and believe about faith and the second two years are spent putting it all back together again. Since more than one person told me this, you’d think I’d have paid better attention, but sometimes I’m funny that way. So here I was cruising through the first semester feeling like a sponge and soaking in all of the knowledge that my professors want to impart upon us … when all of the sudden I realized that this knowledge was beginning to change how I think about some things. Yeah, I know, everyone is saying “duh, they told you this would happen”, but it really took me by surprise. And, being a bit stubborn, I reacted with “I DON’T WANT THIS TO CHANGE ME!” and my New Testament class happened to be in the way and was the target of my reaction.

A few weeks ago, in a conversation with another student and our advisor, the other student said he wasn’t sure if he was comfortable doing something and our advisor responded sarcastically “and we all know that Jesus only asks us to do things that make us comfortable.” (It’s okay, we love our advisor, he really is a wonderfully wise man so his sarcasm doesn’t offend, it makes us laugh and then really think. Besides he has an English accent so everything he says sounds proper anyway.)

This weekend in one of the papers I’m working on I’m talking about how some churches focus on making all who attend “comfortable” and how in the process of trying to attract additional members, they are not only ensuring physical comfort (which I’m all for) but also spiritual comfort. The conclusion I’m coming to is that may not always be the right thing. If we only ever hear those things which make us comfortable and at ease, if we are never challenged to look inward and reflect, how do we grow?

Hmmmm, do you think God is trying to teach me something here? Let’s all join in a resounding chorus of “duh!” and I’ll get back to my papers and reading … and the journey continues …

God’s Peace, my friends!
Nancy

Let the Meltdown Begin ...

Okay, so it took 9 weeks, but I had my first seminary “meltdown” today – a moment when I wanted to scream “What is the purpose if …” It had to do with my New Testament class. And, perhaps I’m a bit delusional, but I think that because I’m preparing to be a Christian priest, the New Testament is kind of important (sorry, sarcasm is part of the meltdown). So how is it, then, that we’ve spent 9 weeks in New Testament and have barely even opened the scripture? Don’t get me wrong, the stuff we have discussed, mostly 1st century culture and how the historical-critical method has created many more questions than it has answered, is very interesting. But I’m not sure how it is giving me the tools to serve God in the way he is calling me to serve. Maybe that’s the point, maybe I’m to figure that out on my own … but right now, I just want someone to go through the Gospel texts with me, allowing time for it to sink in, coaching me through an understanding of it. I mean, it’s the message of the Gospel that is important – how the life, death, and resurrection of the Son of God redeems the brokenness of humans, right? And this message has endured for over 2000 years, right? How could it do so if it weren’t for the Holy Spirit being involved somehow and isn’t that greater than any human endeavor? Where is faith? Why do we have to separate Jesus the human from Jesus the Divine? How can we do that and also claim that he is wholly human and wholly divine at the same time?

I know that I’m going to have to respond to those who seek and ask “why should I believe,” and I want to be able to give intelligent, God-filled answers to their questions. As for now, I don’t have the scholarly answer but I can tell you that in the personal tragedies that I’ve experienced in these past two years, I have felt the presence of God more real than I ever imagined possible. Through prayer and meditation I’ve heard his voice. In my cries, I’ve felt his Spirit enfold me in comfort and warmth. What I don’t know is the intellectual explanation for this … and perhaps there isn’t one. Perhaps it is something that needs to be experienced and not explained. Maybe. I don’t know. But I want to know.

God, help me to know so that I can be what you need me to be in all encounters and situations. Amen.

Big Thoughts and Little Brains

Six weeks have passed. My first semester of seminary is almost half over. The "mountain top" high of excitement has leveled off into a routine of classes, reading, paper writing, chapel, and meals and we all seemed in a bit of a funk this past week. During the first few weeks we kept saying how it felt like we were at summer camp and we were wondering when or if it would ever feel like we lived here and that this is our life for the next three years. I think that reality has settled in. We spent the first weeks working hard to get to know each other and it was new and exciting and fun.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not miserable now, not at all! I am enjoying my classes, soaking it all in as best I can. I'm experiencing the beginnings of what my mentor priests told me would happen – a complete reshaping of my beliefs and thoughts and it's a phenomenal feeling. I find it amazing to look at the early development of the Christian faith through various lenses and to use these same lenses to see how my faith in God the Father Almighty influences who I am and what I do – and this is just the beginning of the journey! But at the same time I think if I don't pay careful attention, these three years will fly by and I don't want to miss even a morsel of what I can discover about God or myself.

I think part of what we've realized is that right now our lives "belong" to our diocese, our home parishes, and our seminary. We have accepted God's call to this path of priestly formation and we've submitted ourselves to Wycliffe's charge to accomplish it and the faculty and staff have committed to God's direction to see us through this part of our journey. And even this realization is part of the process – we are not our own, but God's. It is something that all Christians are presented with – we are God's children, His beloved and if we surrender to it we receive the greatest freedom of all.

I keep using "we" – and that feels like the right way to say it. As I'm being formed here at school, my fellow seminarians are being formed around me and already we've made a connection with each other that is different than anything I've ever experienced. Some of us are here and have left families back home, others are married and have spouses and children here, and we all have joys and tragedies and events in our past that make us who we are. We all have a story about how God brought us to Wycliffe. Together, we are creating what we've come to call our Wycliffe Family and I am blessed by each of them every day.

I pray that God will help us all refocus as we settle down from the excitement of the first weeks here and that we not get discouraged when we feel our brains are too little for the big thoughts that are going on around us.

God's Peace,

Nancy

Finding a Rhythm

So I'm almost done with my third week of classes and I apologize for neglecting my blog. Not that I think anyone is checking their computer everyday with baited breath to see what witty things I might have to impart, but I did make a commitment to keep people up to date on my journey. I am ever grateful for the support that my family and friends are giving me – in all forms that it comes: prayer, encouragement, conversation, emails, and financial. I would not be here and would not be able to get through a day here without any of it!!! Thank you for being a part of my life.

Being back in school at 42 is a challenge – learning how to take notes, study, and manage my time with all of the homework – but I think I'm getting my brain around it some. I am enjoying all of my classes: Intro to Old Testament, Teaching the Faith, Personal Wellness, Foundations of Theological Inquiry, and From the Gospel to the Gospels. There is a ton of reading for each week and this week began the assignment of papers to write. Our (me and my fellow "first-years") first paper was an inductive study on Genesis … have you ever sat down and read Genesis front to back? It takes a long time! We were lost and discombobulated, spending endless hours working on it, feeling like we were shooting arrows down a dark alley and hoping there is a target at the end. What we found out is that every group of first-years has to do this same assignment and they all have the same reaction. One of the professors (not the one who assigns it) used the words "right-of-passage" to describe it today. We have two papers due next week – one titled "The Confessions of <insert your name>" that is to be written (loosely) in the style of St. Augustine, and one titled "Exploring the Kerygma" in which we will explore several summaries of early Christian preaching and come to some conclusion about the content of the Kerygma. Does anyone know what Kerygma means!?!?! I guess I'd better Google it …

I had my first panic moment on Monday about how on earth I was going to keep up with all of this. In addition to classes and assignments, there is daily chapel and meals and Wednesday community events and chapel team meetings and … and, I still need to work at least 10 hours a week. As I lay on my bed, asking God to give me the strength to get up and get one more chapter read, I began to hear the bass rhythm that I hear most every day coming from the room below me and I was reminded of the talk our Chaplain gave the very first week on finding our life's rhythm. The basic beat is given to us here – breakfast followed by morning prayer and evening prayer followed by supper and on Wednesdays we have Eucharist. These are the communal events of our days. (I'm not a musician, so bear with me through this metaphor) The melody is our classes and assignments; the harmony is the "other things" – individual time in scripture and prayer, working out, Thursday nights at the pub, Sunday group supper. It all comes together as the song God is playing in our life. We first-years are new to the band, but we'll catch on to the tune and the music will glorify God.

God's Peace,

Nancy